I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
Randomize
