I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
Would you object to my putting the bidet video on my Facebook page? It;s awesome.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
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