U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
Update: it wasn't just our driver. This ticket confirms that the Royal Oak PD also found our behavior on the party bus to be "Lewd and Indecent."
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
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