mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
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