and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
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