i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
Randomize
