you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Randomize
