You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Randomize
