i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
this is an emotional support booty call
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
So I realize somewhere between mildly irritated and outright belligerently pissed is where you are, but as to location, where are you?
Randomize
