Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
He uses pillows to masturbate.
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
I could hear it slapping against his thighs under the robe!!!!!!!!! You are a lucky girl!
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