omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
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