a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
Randomize
