Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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