I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
