2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Randomize
