I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
people are starting to question the shark bite story
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
Okay, quick math test. If our entire group can do at least 6 shots a night, how much alcohol will be needed to keep us shit faced for the rest of the week? This is for a grade. Anddd, go.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
Randomize
