I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
I wasn't excited about it either, but if I was going to have her take a load on her face, role playing as some french dude is the least I could do
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
Randomize
