I wish I could teleport
I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
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