RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Randomize
