well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
