He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
Randomize
