Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
don't worry about it. We passed around the "get jeff bail" can 10 min. After you left. We currently have around $400. May I say that people here at the dorms really love you.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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