I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Randomize
