Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
Randomize
