i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Randomize
