I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
Randomize
