your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
