On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
