Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
I think we might need a safe word for this...
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
Randomize
