come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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