whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
There was a community pot of Ramen, and if you were in the pool you were either fully clothes or ass naked.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
