i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
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