Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
How much explanation does bbqsexapalooza need?
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
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