The maid of honor just puked.
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
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