We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
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