My hand turned me down
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
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