420 ftw
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
Randomize
