My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Randomize
