so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
Was just grinding with my bio TA. She asked why i wasnt studying
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
