She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Randomize
