Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
