all i know is that they all tuched my pee cup last night.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
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