just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
