she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
i go for whatevers easier....i'm bisexual strictly due to the convenience factor
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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