Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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