Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
Randomize
