Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
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