I'm going to jail i love you
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Randomize
