My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
Randomize
