is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
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