I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
Randomize
